Week 1
WE ARE BACK!
I know most of you are not gonna read this whole thing....But of you do you get a prize!
Despite last Thursday’s weather looking like Noah should’ve been warming up the ark, the LPCC Men’s League officially kicked off another season — and what a start it was.
We figured the rain might scare a few guys off and expected maybe a “50% +1” turnout. Instead, over 110 degenerates showed up ready to golf, gamble, drink beer, and tell their wives they’d “only be out for a couple hours.”
Apparently bad weather only scares away smart people.
Weekly Sponsor Spotlight
A big thank you goes out to Jerry Rinaldi Rinaldi Homes for sponsoring this week’s Men’s League action.
Without great sponsors like Jerry, this league would basically just be 160 guys yelling about handicaps in a parking lot while holding warm beer.
We truly appreciate the support, and the boys will do their best to honor the sponsorship by conducting themselves like gentlemen… at least until someone misses a two-footer for money.
Team Standings – Week 1
The Back Nine Bandits came out absolutely buzzing and jumped to the early lead. Right behind them were the Angry Birdies, Stag Night, and Travis Trailblazers, all staying close enough to smell first place and the false confidence that comes with leading after Week 1.
The Top Guns, Hilltop Hazards, and Slice & Dice all made respectable efforts, but they may need to recruit one more sandbagger if they want to move up the standings.
Meanwhile, Sip It & Rip It, High Rollers, and Pin Seekers clearly forgot to send the “Hey, golf tonight” group text. Attendance issues dropped them straight to the basement.
Some teams showed up looking like Ryder Cup squads.
Others looked like four random guys who met in the parking lot while crushing darts beside a rusty F-150.
But relax boys — it’s only Week 1. There’s still lots of time to turn things around before your team completely quits on each other by July.
Introducing: Captain Chaos
New this season is Captain Chaos — a weekly captain-vs-captain showdown where one extra point is on the line for each team.
These matches are played using match play format. If you don’t understand how match play works, please see Michael Pogor, who is currently learning the rules one emotional collapse at a time.
Last week’s Captain Chaos results are still under official review by league executives, Golf Canada, several witnesses, and at least one guy who swears he “shot 81 with two breakfast balls.”
Updated standings will be released next week.
Weekly Winners
Congratulations to all this week’s:
Closest to the Pin winners
Low Gross winners
Low Net winners
All winners receive a $20 Pro Shop credit.
Please check the board in the Men’s Locker Room to see if you won.
And remember — if you hit the Closest to the Pin but write your name on the wrong card, you win the exact same thing as a lip-out birdie putt:
Absolutely nothing.
50/50 Winner
This week’s 50/50 winner was Dan Millar, taking home $195.
And perhaps the most shocking result of the evening…
It wasn’t Ralph Miller again.
At this point we’re all starting to think Ralph has either:
Sold his soul to the gambling gods, or
Is laundering money through the Men’s League.
Make sure you stop by the Pro Shop before your round for tickets:
1 for $5
3 for $10
7 for $20
Weekly Cash Games
For years, guys have been asking for more cash games.
Well boys… here you go.
Weekly cash games are now available for only $10 to enter. If everyone gets in, we’re talking about a weekly pot approaching $1,600.
That means by Hole 14, fully grown men will be standing over four-foot putts shaking like a dog trying to pass a peach pit.
Get involved.
Worst case scenario, you donate ten bucks and spend the next three days telling everyone you “actually hit it pretty good.”
PAY ATTENTION TO THE ATTACHMENTS
Please review the weekly attachments carefully. They will include:
Winners and losers
Team standings
Flight information
Closest to the Pin holes
This matters because if you write your Closest to the Pin on the wrong sheet…
You’re cooked.
No appeals.
No committee meetings.
No courtroom drama.
No VAR review.
The boys in the scoring room have less sympathy than airport security.
Your Weekly Mission
Before teeing off every Thursday:
Stop by the Pro Shop
Grab your scorecard
Buy your 50/50 tickets
Enter the cash games
Try not to embarrass yourself on the practice green
And most importantly, thank the incredible people who make this circus possible:
Pro Shop staff
Dining room staff
Back shop crew
Maintenance team
Team captains
Men’s League Committee
Without them, half of you wouldn’t know where to tee off, where to hand in your scorecard, or how to operate a debit machine after six beers.
Van de Velde Bib Watch
Next week we are hoping to unveil our first official Van de Velde Bib Winner photo.
If the weekly winner agrees to wear the bib AND pose for the Chronicle, they’ll receive a $20 bar gift card.
This week’s hint for the mystery winner:
Walter Ostanek.
That’s right.
Somewhere out there is a man who had a round so catastrophic, so emotionally damaging, and so wildly entertaining that he’s now being compared to Canada’s Polka King.
Good luck figuring that one out, detectives.
Final Thoughts
Thanks again to all the returning league members for coming back for another summer of beer-fuelled golf, missed three-footers, suspicious handicaps, and stories that somehow improve every single time they’re told.
And a huge welcome to all the new Men’s Leaguers joining us this year.
You’ll quickly learn this league is built on:
friendship
competition
terrible financial decisions
and middle-aged men completely losing emotional control over a golf shot that technically means nothing.
By mid-summer:
half of you will think you “figured something out” in your swing,
at least three guys will suddenly develop mysterious back injuries once the money games start,
somebody will shoot 104 and blame the greens,
and one guy will absolutely try to fight a rake.
We truly wouldn’t want it any other way.
By the way the prize is ....you are now well informed!
Yours in Golf,
Brad, Craig, Carl & John
